


Learn to Love

by Melbell-lings (Melee)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-14
Updated: 2013-06-14
Packaged: 2017-12-14 22:36:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/842154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melee/pseuds/Melbell-lings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ivan never finished his last story, never finished his last words. He’s not ready to finish with this drug.</p><p>(High school AU where Ivan dies and bequeaths his many journals to his classmate, Matt)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learn to Love

For Matt, Ivan Braginsky’s death was marked by a relatively brief portion of the monthly assembly. He remembers his mother giving him and Al some money for the donation pile, twittering softly about what a shame that sweet boy’s death was.

For Matt, his memories of Ivan Braginsky were of a boy shying away from the crowd, constantly scribbling in a collection of notebooks during recesses or quiet time in class. When the school projected a picture of him, a teenager with flat, platinum blond hair and chubby cheeks and an awkward smile, Matt thought nothing of burning this last image into his mind. He never wondered what caused that smile.

Yet Ivan Braginsky became an integral part of life for Matt. He never moved from the area, returning faithfully to the grave site each anniversary. His story of Ivan was not something spoken of to his family, his wife or his children. It wasn’t until he held his grandson and whispered the meaning of his name did their secrets become revealed. 

~~~

The newspapers reported domestic violence, but rumours swirled of a tragic soul consumed by life. The gossip fluttered away with the seasons, and so it was understandably surprising when Ivan’s younger sister confronts Matt one spring day.

Natalia is beautiful; no amount of chalked-on make-up and black clothing can hide that. Matt’s gulping, not only because her beauty has the boy in knots, but add to that the frosty, calculating look she’s giving him.

“Matthew Williams?” she asks, crisply. He nods, stupidly.

“Here.” She holds out a slim journal, adorned with crayon doodles. Its pages are worn and corners torn from constant use.

Matt shuffles from foot to foot. “Um, Al already gave me his notes for science, so I’m good–”

“No, idiot.” He stops. She sighs. “It’s from Vanya.”

There’s a pause. Then, “who?”

Natalia steps forwards and smacks the book over Matt’s head. Surprisingly, it stings.

Matt’s starting to think the rumours of Natalia being crazy are true. She stares him down for another full minute before sighing.

“Look, it’s from my brother, Ivan, okay? Just take it.”

Societal formalities of honouring the dead make Matt reach out, and the journal is swiftly exchanged. “Why are you giving it to me though?”

She pauses while walking away. “Really, it belongs to you.”

~~~

The diary, or journal, or whatever, sits to the side of Matt’s desk, neglected for the most part. There was a noble effort on Matt’s part to begin, but the tales of a new immigrant journaling to improve his English are lost on him.

It’s not until the day Al passes him the football _way_ off mark does Matt hazard another glance. Next to the football on the ground, his name jumps up at him from scribbled pages.

Matt dedicates himself to reading the entire thing, cover to cover. As soon as he’s done, he tracks down Natalia at school.

“Are there anymore?” he asks, breathless from rushing, from what Ivan’s writing reveals.

Natalia’s face crumbles, just a bit. They make arrangements, and before summer break starts, Matt is walking home with a box full of cahiers.

~~~

Over the summertime, Matt grows tan from reading outdoors, those rare periods between work and socializing. At night, he stays up late, reading from dim lamp light while Al sleeps on the other side of the room.

He’s lost, he’s lost, and he knows it. He’s yielded himself fully into Ivan’s musing and writings. From the scribbles of a young child in a new world to the sophisticated prose unnatural for a high school student, everything sits and stirs in Matt’s mind until he finally gives himself over and feels an intense rush of one mind, one heart.

Ivan writes of his days, of his dreams, and one day, of another boy in his grade three class. This boy has golden hair and shy smiles and helps Ivan get on the right bus after transferring to a new school. Ivan decides he loves this boy and misspells his name the first time: _Matvey_.

Such a confession clenched at Matt’s gut; Nevertheless, he kept turning the pages if only to fulfill his own narcissism. Almost suddenly, though, he is captured by the minute observations Ivan makes and details and expands.

Every small interaction between the two has been carefully scribed by Ivan. Matt’s shocked how much of an impact he’s had on the life of another boy he’s never really met. And he wants to know more. Needs to know even more.

~~~

“You can’t fall in love with a dead man, Mattie,” Al warns.

Matt snaps his jaw shut, regrets telling Al anything.

~~~

Natalia turns her head back. “It’s not that much farther,” she says, almost like an apology.

The walk doesn’t bother Matt, even in the abnormally brisk weather. His last year in high school has just started, and Matt used the opportunity to track down the younger Natalia. A persistent thought has bugged him all summer; and he now intends to quench that curiosity.

As they go, Matt studies Natalia. In his memoirs, Ivan describes her as a go-getter, terrifying when she doesn’t get her way. But above all, the love they share is what shines through the pages. When Matt looks at Natalia, he doesn’t see a girl in emo dress; rather the girl who insisted Ivan brush her long hair every night while listening to her problems.

Suddenly, a thought strikes Matt. “Don’t you have an older sister?”

Natalia nods, says “Katya”, a motherly type with a penchant for sensing danger and avoiding it masterfully.

“I haven’t met her before.”

“Probably not. She dropped out of university and moved back from the city to take custody of me.” Natalia glances back. “Apparently, I’m too much for the courts to handle.”

A lopsided grin erupts on Matt’s face as he remembers a story about Natalia when her family told her they were moving from Russia. They left quickly before the new tenants could discover such a large hole in the wall.

“Here.” Natalia points to a small grave crowded with many flowers. Matt’s silent, so Natalia takes the initiative. “I tried planting flowers, but...” she lifts up a tired blossom. “His favourites are sunflowers.”

Matt sobs at that, almost cries. Everyone else sees Ivan as dead and gone; For Matt he’s alive, always will be, the intimate details spread out through many volumes.

He staggers, drops to one knee, then the other. Head and hand press against the headstone community donations bought. Matt stays until the grave keeper shoos them out at dusk.

~~~

He could never discover for himself what Ivan’s last thoughts were.

But Matt immersed himself in Ivan’s mind, traced out dreams imprinted on numerous pages. Nearing the end, the subject matter delves into the trials and tribulations of a high schooler, and into tales of unrequited love.

As the contents stop toeing into the salacious and dive head first, Matt finds his desires driven by them. He lies awake in the dark, Al’s breathing floating softly across the room. The imagery that pours out of Ivan’s mind has him ghosting a hand up and down his body, searching for the sensitive spots Ivan promised.

He’s kissed girls, before and after starting to read Ivan’s journals. Now he wonders what it would be like to kiss with raw passion, a hunger he’s never fully experienced. A finger ghosts his lips. He pushes harder, then inside, his tongue flicking at the digit. He tries to say “ _I love you_ ”; it comes out a garbled mess.

Yet Matt’s not deterred. He falls asleep satisfied with the sure thought that Ivan would be capable of muttering love confessions between scorching kisses.

~~~

“That’s the last one,” Natalia says, nodding to the book in Matt’s hand.

Matt’s head’s spinning. Ivan never finished his last story, never finished his last words. He’s not ready to finish with this drug.

“It’s too soon,” is all he says.

Platinum blonde hair falls in front of Natalia’s face as she tilts forward. “Yeah. It is.”


End file.
